Can My Attachment Style Turn Into Secure Style

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Written By:

Counselling Psychologist - M.Sc. Clinical Psychology

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Reviewed By:

Counselling Psychologist - Ph.D. Relationship Psychology

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Attachment plays an important role in terms of survival in childhood and overall well-being as one develops relationships with other individuals. Attachment styles are formed early in childhood; hence, it s hard to trace the behavioral patterns which come as a result, but, we can now try to identify our attachment styles and track unhealthy behaviors which may have stemmed from early patterns. Relationships play an integral part in our lives and relationships are formed through attachment. Attachment has a huge influence on how you select your partner, how your relationship progresses, and how you communicate, act, and deal with emerging problems. 

If you have an insecure attachment style right now and wish to achieve a secure style it is possible for you to do that. A good and secure attachment style leads to secure relationships, other types of attachment styles lead to various other relationships. There are certain reasons which lead to different attachment styles, mostly dependent on how caregivers treat the infant. Faulty or neglectful treatment can lead to attachment issues. 

We will identify your attachment style, dive deeper into what a secure attachment style looks like, and the steps you can take to achieve that.

What is your attachment style? 

  • Secure Attachment Style: If you ever come across people who have an optimistic point of view even in threatful situations and who believe that they have the resources to deal with and tackle those situations. 
  • Preoccupied Attachment Style: You must have also seen people who indulge in negative thoughts, are concerned about themselves in distressing situations, and have an emotion focussed approach because of which they just keep swimming in their own negative thoughts instead of just coming out of it. 
  • Avoidant-Dismissive Attachment Styles: While some people actively repress negative emotions, some just decode every single aspect of the distressing event, while doing so they also tend to distance themselves from others. They may also show signs of physiological and psychological distress without being aware that they are doing so. 
  • Fearful Attachment Style: Finally, some people just really want to build a connection and trust others, but they simply can t because they fear that they will get too dependent on others and seek independence, while deep down they just want the ones around them to support them. 

If you strongly relate to any of these, that could be your attachment style.

How Is A Secure Attachment Style Formed?

The secure attachment style is considered to be the most balanced and healthy out of the four attachment styles. It develops in the early years if: 

  1. The infant felt ‘seen’ and ‘known’: When the parents accurately identify the cues which their child gives and cater to their needs then the child feels ‘ssn’. If the child wants to signal something and the parents pay attention to the child, identify the cue and then respond accurately then it helps in creating a healthy trustful bond.
  2. Felt reassured: If the parents kept their ears and arms open for their child to share and confide in their parents when going through some distressing event then the child feels that they are safe and they are reassured that they have someone. Helping your child in managing distressing situations is one way you can promote a healthy bond. 
  3. Could express themselves: When the parents make sure to let their child know that they are proud of their child for who they are, show joy, and allow their child to do the same then the child develops a healthy self-esteem. 
  4. Support from parents: If the parents show support for the child and allow the child to become the best version of themselves then it would lead the child to believe that they can in fact become better and do their level best.

Steps To Achieve Secure Attachment Style 

There are some steps that you can take to deal with the problems that you might be facing because of your attachment style

  • Identifying irrational thoughts
  • Accept and work towards the removal of such thoughts
  • Talk it out
  • Focus on self-development
  • Focus on what you want 
  • Focus on what you need
  • Try to manage your emotions in a healthier manner 
  • Move on from the past 
  • Stop worrying about the future
  • Focus on the present  

What Does A Secure Attachment Style Relationship Look Like?

Once you have taken the above-mentioned steps, these are the characteristics that you should aim for

  • Having a favorable view of yourself and of others. This comes with loving yourself and trusting your partner 
  • You don’t hesitate from creating emotional bonds with others where you give and take in a healthy manner 
  • You wish to create meaningful and long relationships. You do not fear being abandoned, give your best and learn from your experience. 
  • You are self-aware. You are aware of your emotions, your strengths, and your weaknesses so you strive towards getting better, maintain a strong bond with your partner, and focus on your relationship.

Ms. Priyanka Walia
Ms. Priyanka Walia M.A. Counselling Psychology Counselling Psychologist 05 years of experience

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Ms. Muskan Maheshwari
Ms. Muskan Maheshwari M.Sc. Clinical Psychology Clinical Psychologist 02 years of experience

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Mr. Nishant Sharma
Mr. Nishant Sharma M.Phil. Clinical Psychology Clinical Psychologist 07 years of experience

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Ms. Akshita Bakshi
Ms. Akshita Bakshi Ph.D. Relationship Psychology Counselling Psychologist 05 years of experience

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