How To Heal Attachment Issues Affecting The Relationship

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Counselling Psychologist - M.Sc. Clinical Psychology

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Counselling Psychologist - Ph.D. Relationship Psychology

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Attachment plays an important role in terms of survival in childhood and overall well-being as one develops relationships with other individuals. Attachment styles are formed early in childhood; hence, it s hard to trace the behavioral patterns which come as a result, but, we can now try to identify our attachment styles and track unhealthy behaviors which may have stemmed from early patterns. Relationships play an integral part in our lives and relationships are formed through attachment. Attachment has a huge influence on how you select your partner, how your relationship progresses, and how you communicate, act, and deal with emerging problems. 

A good and secure attachment style leads to secure relationships, other types of attachment styles lead to various other relationships. There are certain reasons which lead to different attachment styles, mostly dependent on how caregivers treat the infant. Faulty or neglectful treatment can lead to attachment issues. Unresolved attachment issues may cause issues later in life.

What Are Attachment Issues? 

People who face difficulties in creating emotional bonds early in life are prone to attachment issues. This could be due to a variety of reasons such as neglectful parenting, lack of care, or too much preoccupation with the infant. If the child has lived in an orphanage, has witnessed traumatic events, and changed households frequently, then that may also contribute negatively. The attachment issues created during infancy, when left unresolved can change their symptoms as the individual grows and manifest themselves into other issues which may infer with their special and personal life.  

Attachment Styles And How If Affects Your Relationship

Secure Attachment Style: If you ever come across people who have an optimistic point of view even in threatful situations and who believe that they have the resources to deal with and tackle those situations. 

This would allow you to have an optimistic view of your partner, their abilities and your relationship. You won t be in constant fear about what your partner is doing and won t assume the worst if you don t receive any updates from them. You trust them and you make sure they know that they know how you feel and respect their thoughts too.

Preoccupied Attachment Style: You must have also seen people who indulge in negative thoughts, are concerned about themselves in distressing situations, and have an emotion focussed approach. They just keep swimming in their own negative thoughts instead of just coming out of it. 

You find it difficult to solve your relationship issues and drag them longer than required because you focus more on your emotions and the distressing aspects of the conflict rather than trying to figure out a solution for the same. You might assume the worst and worry yourself out while thinking of the worst-case scenario for your partner and your relationship. 

Avoidant-Dismissive Attachment Styles: While some people actively repress negative emotions, some just decode every single aspect of the distressing event, while doing so they also tend to distance themselves from others. They may also show signs of physiological and psychological distress without knowing they are doing so. 

You might underplay your issues along with the problem you face in your relationship. You might avoid overt expression of your emotions but you do feel them. A good way would be to share what you feel with your partner. This would allow you to feel less lonely and deal with your emotions in a better manner. 

Fearful Attachment Style: Finally, some people just want to build a connection and trust others, but they simply can t because they fear that they will get too dependent on others and seek independence, while deep down they just want the ones around them to support them. 

You might stop yourself from sharing how you feel with your partner in fear of getting too attached. Feeling this causes a hindrance in creating a successful and deep emotional bond. 

How Is A Secure Attachment Style Formed?

The secure attachment style is considered to be the most balanced and healthy out of the four attachment styles. It develops in the early years if : 

The infant felt ‘seen’ and ‘known’: When the parents accurately identify the cues which their child gives and cater to their needs then the child feels ‘seen’. If the child wants to signal something and the parents pay attention to the child, identify the cue and then respond accurately then it helps in creating a healthy trustful bond 

Felt reassured: If the parents kept their ears and arms open for their child to share and confide in their parents when going through some distressing event then the child feels that they are safe and they are reassured that they have someone. Helping your child in managing distressing situations is one way you can promote a healthy bond 

Could express themselves: When the parents make sure to let their child know that they are proud of their child for who they are, show joy, and allow their child to do the same then the child develops a healthy self-esteem. 

Support from parents: If the parents show support for the child and allow the child to become the best version of themselves then it would lead the child to believe that they can in fact become better and do their level best

What Can You Do Now?

There are some steps that you can take to deal with the problems that you might be facing because of your attachment style

  • Identify irrational thoughts
  • Accept and work towards the removal of such thoughts
  • Talk it out
  • Focus on self-development
  • Focus on what you want 
  • Focus on what you need
  • Try to manage your emotions in a healthier manner 
  • Move on from the past 
  • Stop worrying about the future
  • Focus on the present  

Ms. Priyanka Walia
Ms. Priyanka Walia M.A. Counselling Psychology Counselling Psychologist 05 years of experience

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Ms. Muskan Maheshwari
Ms. Muskan Maheshwari M.Sc. Clinical Psychology Clinical Psychologist 02 years of experience

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Mr. Nishant Sharma
Mr. Nishant Sharma M.Phil. Clinical Psychology Clinical Psychologist 07 years of experience

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Ms. Akshita Bakshi
Ms. Akshita Bakshi Ph.D. Relationship Psychology Counselling Psychologist 05 years of experience

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