What are Bids of Connection?
According to relationship expert, John Gottman, bids of connection are the attempts made by a partner to show affection to the other partner or show just some attention to the other partner. Bids refer to the attempts that are made as an indication that the other partner requires some sort of connection or interaction.
Attending bids of connection can help in fostering emotional intimacy, safety and trust between you and your partner. This can ultimately lead to better satisfaction and well-being amongst you and your partner. On the other hand, ignoring bids of connection can lead to the opposite that creates a lack of intimacy, safety and trust.
Types of Bids of Connection
According to John Gottman, the first way to attend to a bid of connection is to identify a bid. Generally, these are the few types of bids,
- Verbal Bids -
Verbal bids are those kinds of bids that involve direct communication with your partner. Asking questions, sharing your thoughts and perspective over a situation - these all are examples of verbal bids. These bids normally state the response in the question itself. For example, if your partner asks you “Did you like the Lasagna I made last night?” it is an indication that your partner wants your opinion (perhaps some appreciation or acknowledgement) over the dinner she made for you.
- Non-Verbal Bids
Non-verbal bids are those kinds of bids where there is no direct communication involved. All the communication is done through non-verbal means such as body language, eye movement, or gestures. For example, if your partner rests their head on you that could be an indication that they enjoy being close to you. Sometimes non-verbal bids can be interpreted in an incorrect manner. That is why it is always advisable to validate a non-verbal bid with a verbal confirmation.
How can I attend to My Partner’s Bids of Connection
There are a number of ways in which you can attend more to bids of connection from your partner. They are,
- Being Mindful -
The best way to be attentive to your partner’s bids of connection is to be mindful. When you are with your partner you consciously try to be in the present moment. If you are constantly preoccupied with negative thoughts then it is going to show in your actions and you are likely going to miss any cue of connection that your partner is trying to show.
- Express Openly -
You must express openly to your partner what your needs and wants are. This will allow your partner to give you the bids that you can later catch on. If your partner doesn’t know your needs and wants then they might be passing bids that don’t resonate with your needs and wants. When you are openly communicative you are encouraging them to show you bids that directly satisfy your desires.
- Ask Questions -
Always ask questions! If you are using bids to connect with your partner then ask your partner if they are understanding what you are trying to say. Ask them what they want, and keep validating if you have understood them correctly. This will also allow your partner to be attentive when you are showing them bids of connection.
- Respond with Positivity -
Don’t use words like “never” or “always”. Stay positive in your words with your partner and fill them with encouragement. Even if something is not working out the way you intended, tell your partner positively. When you resort to harsh words or harsh language or even a negative tone, then you are causing more friction in the relationship.
Remember that if you work with mindfulness and positivity, you and your partner can fill your relationship with bids of connection that attend to both your needs, wants and desires. And we are here to help you!