“No matter what, do not ask your partner to choose between you and their family– a true recipe for disaster.” says couple therapist Evie Shafner.
There are often times where we feel that our in-laws are interfering in our life a little too much. Our patents belong to a completely different generation who had their own sets of problems and it is unreasonable to expect people from different generations to get along perfectly. One the first things on most parents minds will be to look out for their children. Chances that they wont prioritize your concerns or problems in the early stages of your relationship but that is not a deal breaker. It takes a lot of time and effort to build a new relationship with someone so make sure you del with this situation patiently.
It is very common to not get along with your in-laws, here are some ways to work upon it:
- Be empathetic - As mentioned earlier, they are in their late adulthood, that means they are just retired from their jobs and are now starting to live like people their age, so be empathetic towards them so they know that you understand their feelings and this might help them reconsider to make amends to get along with you.
- Share your thoughts with your significant other - Tell your spouse about your feelings but remember that you are talking about their parents, so share your feelings as gently as possible. In a way that they understand where you are coming from and why you feel like this. Don’t ask them to side with you, let them have their opinions and make them understand and together bring out an efficient way to deal with this.
- Set boundaries - As said before, set boundaries but with a smile. You don’t have to be rude to them for setting boundaries. Set boundaries with a smile and in the most respectable way possible.
- Don’t alienate them - It is normal for families to do things differently and it is completely ok for your in-laws to be having a different approach to things than you are used to, so look at these in a respectful manner and understand their approach. You never know you may like their new approach
- Pursue your in-laws - That’s right, you need to be friendly with them and make efforts, after all they are your family and you are part of their family too. Checking up on them, sending gifts for occasions won’t hurt them.
Sometimes marriages are hard and families are more complicated and it takes a lot of your energy but to be rewarded with meaningful and genuine connections that seem worth it. While you may never achieve excellent relations with your in-laws or they may never like you still after making many amends, but these ways will help you to keep the drama to a minimum and maintain peace within your family relations.
It is also important to keep in mind that your in-laws are not your friends, and wanting a relationship as casual and close is unrealistic and you might be setting yourself up for failure. There should be mutual respect for each other with clarity of the roles you play in the family to avoid future conflicts.