You might have come across some quizzes that ask you questions and tell you
your ‘attachment style’ based on your answers. While most of these
quizzes are not reliable, there are genuine ways to find your attachment style
and how that influences your behavior. But first, what exactly do we mean by
attachment style, and where does it come from?
What is Attachment Style?
The concept of attachment styles was explored by John Bowlby, who gave the
theory of attachment- ‘The Attachment Theory’. He defined it as
one way of bonding and relating with intimate giving and receiving
relationships with ‘attachment figures’ which could be one s
parents, children, or romantic partners.
Attachment plays an important role in terms of survival in childhood and
overall well-being as one develops relationships with other individuals.
Attachment styles are different ways of interacting and behaving in
relationships. They are formed early in childhood; hence, it s hard to trace
the behavioral patterns which come as a result, but, we can now try to
identify our attachment styles and track unhealthy behaviors which may have
stemmed from early patterns. Relationships play an integral part in our lives
and relationships are formed through attachment. Attachment has a huge
influence on how you select your partner, how your relationship progresses,
and how you communicate, act, and deal with emerging problems.
The way people are treated during their formative years and later in life
defines one s attachment. It includes confidence, security, availability,
expression of self, and so on. The four main types of attachment styles
include-
- Secure Attachment
- Preoccupied Attachment
- Avoidant-Dismissive Attachment
- Avoidant-Fearful Attachment
What is your attachment style?
-
Secure Attachment Style: If you ever come across
people who have an optimistic point of view even in threatful situations and
who believe that they have the resources to deal with and tackle those
situations.
-
Preoccupied Attachment Style: You must have
also seen people who indulge in negative thoughts, are concerned about
themselves in distressing situations, and have an emotion focussed
approach because of which they just keep swimming in their own negative
thoughts instead of just coming out of it.
-
Avoidant-Dismissive Attachment Styles: While some
people actively repress negative emotions, some just decode every single
aspect of the distressing event, while doing so they also tend to distance
themselves from others. They may also show signs of physiological and
psychological distress without being aware that they are doing so.
-
Fearful Attachment Style: Finally, some people
just really want to build a connection and trust others, but they simply
can t because they fear that they will get too dependent on others and
seek independence, while deep down they just want the ones around them to
support them.
If you strongly relate to any of these, that could be your attachment style.
How Does Your Attachment Style Affect Your Relationship?
It s not that people with secure attachment styles don t face any issues or
they don t fight with their significant other, but how they deal with those
issues is what makes a difference. They feel secure enough to own up to their
mistakes and take help whenever needed. They are confident and don t shy away
from showing their interests. Furthermore, they openly seek support and
comfort from their partners
-
Anxious- Preoccupied Attachment
If this is you, you might crave intimacy and closeness with your partner but
feel like you re being ‘too clingy’ or ‘annoying’ by
constantly asking for it. You may feel worn down by the constant
anxiety rushing through your mind regarding whether your partner loves you
or not. Building up trust and relying on your partner is something that you
might find hard. One may be overly occupied with their partners, where their
life revolves around the relationship; hence, their self-worth may not be
that high
-
Avoidant Attachment Style
In sharp contrast to the preoccupied attachment style, people with an avoidant
attachment style are weary of closeness. Instead of relying on others, they
want others to rely on them. They may complain about feeling
‘suffocated’ and value their independence above all. They may even
feel uncomfortable with closeness and prefer short-term flings as opposed to
long-term commitment
-
Avoidant Fearful Attachment Style
As the name suggests, you may feel a sense of fear, which may have stemmed
from your childhood years and resulted in the individual feeling that you don
t deserve love. They may feel extreme emotions of a spectrum, from extreme
love, jealousy, and intimacy to hatred. You may find it hard to own up to your
mistakes and while you want to build a healthy relationship, you are fearful
of getting hurt again